I'm more than what I've become

Life is full of trickiness.  I don't need to tell anyone that because any living human being knows the truth of that - the constant decision making, the unknowns, the waiting, the doing, the leaping, the crawling, the attachments, the breaking of hearts, the laughs, and the tears....everything meshed together to make my life.  A life of one person!  What would my existence be without even one of those things? 

My trials and joys are what make life wonderful.  The opposing characteristics of life that keep me on my feet make it worthwhile.  Sometimes I am drowning in misery but paste a smile on anyway for a majority of those around me and that's no fun, but sometimes I'm joyful and literally bursting with laughter and happiness. In the miserable times I remember that bursting joy and cling to the memory of myself during that time. 

There's a quote I like that says something along the lines of, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."  It's obviously geared toward a boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife relationship, but I'm changing it a little to be geared toward me, myself, and I.  During the worst, hang on, push through, and remember the best.  I can handle me at my worst because I know how GREAT my best is.  My uncle helped me see understand that little insight. 

And so, with the past 2ish weeks being rather....blah, I've been on the lower side of life.  But, I'm me and I can handle that because I know it's going to be awesome when I work to be my best again. 

Some changes will be occurring in the next little bit that may help take some stress off.

The first, shift of focus.  I'm at BYU and in this stage in life to be a student and to get ready for the rest of my life.  I'm not here to have a career, to find a job that I commit a great deal of energy to, or to even necessarily begin my own family.  It'd be great if that opportunity came along, but that can't be my focus right now.   My focus is SCHOOL and to be GREAT in my schooling.

So, secondly, in order to be great in my schooling, I can't work.  My job is SO wonderful and I love it SO much.  But this past weekend I discussed things with my parents and the three of us concluded that ending my employment as a secretary is imperative to my educational success.  At least for now.  It breaks my heart to think of leaving these wonderful professors I've worked so closely with and helped in various ways. They've helped me so much more than I think I ever could help them and their wonderful influence on me is going to be missed tremendously.  If all works out, I'll not be working come the end of August and that is heartbreaking.

 It's scary, and it's a step of faith because there are too many things that could go dreadfully wrong and stick me in a financial hole, but having faith is a principle I'm becoming more and more familiar with as each day comes and goes. Heavenly Father is certainly guiding me and helping me move along even though I'm simply scared.  As I was typing up a booklet at work today, I came across this quote from the prophet of my childhood, President Gordon B. Hinckley:

"Be smart.  You are moving into the most competitive age the world has ever known.  All around you is competition. You need all the education you can get.  You should sacrifice anything that is needed to be sacrificed to qualify yourselves to do the work of the world.  That world will, in large measure, pay you what it thinks you are worth, and your worth will increase as you gain education and proficiency in your chosen field.

Train your mind and your hands to become an influence for good as you go forward with your life.  And as you do so and as you perform with excellence, you will bring honor to yourself and to your family.  You will be regarded as a man or woman of integrity and ability and conscientious workmanship.  Be smart.  Don't be foolish. you cannot bluff or cheat others without bluffing or cheating yourself"  - New Year's Eve Fireside for Youth, Dec. 31, 2006

 

Can you not see how Heavenly Father is helping me?  It's staring me right in the face!  He is telling me that "It's okay!!  It's okay Amelia!  You don't have to do everything.  You can do only school and that's okay.  My preference is for you do be as successful as possible in school, and I will help you."  That's not to say I can be stupid and let things slide by in my studying or spend my money unwisely, but as I use wisdom Heavenly Father will guide me. 

I pray that you may find his hand in your life, and that you can cling to that and act accordingly.  I pray that you may share my conviction of how much He cares for His children - me and you. And I pray that as you see his hand in your life, you can become more than what you are now.